1. Around day four, you wake up and your boobs look like two bald heads, adult bald heads.
2.Cabbage leaves help engorgement. True. Cabbage leaves stink. Also true.
3.You're other half walks in on you expressing. Bang goes your sex life, he'll never see you in the same way again.
4.Before you get into your breastfeeding groove (and it still hurts) after every feed you are on a countdown to the next one...A COUNTDOWN TO PAIN!!
5.If anyone wakes baby before they are due a feed, so that you end up having to feed early, that person is quite honestly off your Christmas card list. In fact all they will be recieving is a dog turd. (Not the fake joke kind)
6. If that person is male and they make any kind of comment about your disgruntlement, they are met with :
"HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF EVERY THREE HOURS A SPARROW CHEWED ON YOUR TESTICLES???"
7.Anyone making the comment that baby needs a feed (with that annoying sorry smirky face) you are mentally counting the ways you could murder them ,bury them, hide the evidence and get away with it. Or something like that.
8.When you are feeding in the middle of the night and other half is sleeping like a baby next to you, you actually consider smothering him with a pillow. But realise that is a tad dramatic. So you turn the tellybox up loud instead. Hah.
9. Your let down reflex put quite simply is like a hose. If baby stops feeding and you don't realise, you will most probably spray their face, maybe the chair, and yourself a little bit. I did this once in a Mothercare feeding room> And a cafe> And a doctors waiting room.
10. When you are due to feed you boobs start to fill and then go rock hard, as if someone has sprayed freeze spray on them. A kind of boobie ice age?
11. You will wake up, panic you have pissed the bed, then think you have knocked a drink over yourself, then realise your boobs have just exploded. A breast milk crime scene has occurred and the duvet is wet as are you.
All of this is normal.
And it does get easier.
And when it does it is awesome.